Could it be any harder?
by samarie
Summary: sleep deprived little ficlet. UST Sam/Daniel, sam's time spent while Daniel was 'dead' in season 6. first attempt at songfic... bad summary, sorry, I'm tired. one-shot


_Could it be any harder_

_A/N: this came to me while listening to one of my fave bands, 'The Calling'. the song is called "Could it be any harder," and the idea would just not leave me alone. I've also just been in that kind of mood, so felt like writing this one.  
__(For anyone reading my Window of Opp. fic, I am still working on that, I just hit a little writers block this weekend with it, and haven't finished up the next part yet. Should have it really soon!)_

_Summary: little ficlet for Sam's point of view on Daniel's "death" in season 5. UST I think. No real spoilers anywhere- just general season 5-6.  
Usual disclaimers: Don't own 'em, please don't sue. lol _

* * *

_Could it be any harder to say goodbye and without you,  
__Could it be any harder to watch you go, to face what's true_

Sam sat at Daniel's bedside, weeping softly. The room was empty of everyone else, leaving her to say goodbye to her best friend. "Please don't die, Daniel," she whispered quietly, even though she knew his injuries were fatal. "I don't know what I'll do without you." Continuing to cry, she leaned her head over, resting it on his bed.

A short time later, everyone stood at around him, watching as Jacob tried to heal him. After Jack told them to stop, to let him go, explaining everything, Sam had headed off to grieve alone.

_You left me with goodbye and open arms  
__A cut so deep I don't deserve  
__You were always invincible in my eyes_

'He can't be gone, he just can't!' she thought to herself. 'We've been wrong before, he could come back again.' Having seen his death with her own eyes this time, she knew she was only lying to herself.

Laying in bed later that night, crying, she thought of all the times they had spent together, and everything they wouldn't now that he was gone. 'Why do we always wait to tell people how we really feel' she repeated, thinking over her previous words. 'Why didn't I just tell you how I felt, Daniel? Now I'll never know what we could have had.'

_The only thing against us now is time  
__Could it be any harder to say goodbye and without you,  
__Could it be any harder to watch you go, to face what's true  
__If I only had one more day_

Missing Daniel, Sam headed for his office, now empty. Closing the door behind her, she flicked on a light, and wandered aimlessly around the room. Slowing near his desk, she ran her hand over various artifacts he would never touch again. Choking back a sob, she sat on his couch, drifting in memories, trying to think of happier times.

_I lie down and blind myself with laughter  
__A quick fix of hope is what I'm needing  
__And how I wish that I could turn back the hours  
__But I know I just don't have the power_

"How could you be so stupid? You just had to do it didn't you, that's just who you are, always trying to save everyone."

_And I wish you didn't go  
__I wish you didn't go, I wish you didn't go away_

Looking at a picture of him, she again thought of all the regrets she now had, all the dreams that would never come true. She found herself talking to him again, as she often did lately. "I'm sorry I never told you Daniel. I was afraid. I swear, if I could do it again, I would change everything."

_I'd jump at the chance,  
__We'd drink and we'd dance  
__And I'd listen close to your every word,  
__As if it's your last, I know it's your last,  
__Cause today, oh, you're gone_

Drying her tears, she stood, and left.

* * *

Months later, on that new planet, she almost cried when she saw him walk up. Stepping towards him, she was shocked when he pushed her hand away. She listened, shocked, as they learned he had no memory of his life before.

_To touch you again,  
__With life in your hands,  
__It couldn't be any harder..._

'I can't believe this. My dreams came true, but this isn't how I expected to see him back, no memory of who he is.' She snuck away to compose herself for a few minutes, before Colonel O'Neill announced it was her turn to talk to him.

Stepping in, she had no idea what she was going to say. Starting to speak, she let go of everything she had wanted to say to him for the last year. After, feeling stupid, she turned to leave before he called out to her. Unable to answer his question for a moment, she paused at the entrance of the tent. She then realized she couldn't lie, and told him the truth, that they didn't have anything. She left out the part where it was her fault, and left quickly, kicking herself again at all her regrets.

* * *

_Sorry if that was just weird, like I said, was in one of those moods, and this is what came of it. Unbeta'd, since I wrote this in about half hour while unable to sleep, and it was poking at me to be written. hoee it wasnt total sleep-deprived madness. :)_

_Reviews are always welcome, love to hear what people think, whether that be that I'm not too bad, or absolutely nuts. lol. just no flaming please- that's awful for a writers self-esteem. _


End file.
